Livinglovingandexploring!

Sometimes it just feels like I can’t catch my breath. Like every inhale is actual work….. I’ve been going through these ‘episodes’, if you will, a lot more often lately. I find myself just lost and staring into space with what seems like absolutely nothing on my mind. In reality, it’s a constant stream of never ending thoughts and feelings….that are slowly suffocating me.

Life hasn’t always been the easiest for me – and no, this is NOT a pity post – far from it. It’s something I need to get off my chest for the sake of getting it off my chest and letting people in on how I’m really doing. Long story short – not good. Lately, it’s been nothing but cruddy news – I say cruddy because I KNOW that it could ALWAYS get worse. There’s always someone out there who has it worse than I do.

But it’s awful hard to bear that in mind. When everything is collapsing around you and it’s down to the wire and the only way out is to file for bankruptcy just to keep the roof over my kids (and my) heads. I feel like such a worthless piece of you know what. Granted, this is also not just about money – I know that even if I was handed a million dollars and was able to fix everything financially in my life – my brain still would be depressed to the deepest of my core.

I don’t know about you – but my family was always on the lower end of a middle income working family. It’s never been what one would call easy – but at least my parents were able to keep the roof over my head! I can barely do that. My parents busted their asses to make my siblings and I happy – and boy do I appreciate that.

I think my mom’s backbone and dad’s grit are about the only things holding me together at all right now. If it wasn’t for their perseverance throughout my life and doing their best to keep their cool in the face of adversity, I would have no idea what to do.

As it stands, it is a daily BATTLE to get myself up and out of bed – get the kids ready – head to daycare – head to work – head to daycare – bring the kids home – find something edible – baths – playtime – off to bed for them – and then collapsing into bed for me. Don’t even get me started on all of the neglected housework.

There’s always a slight improvement with my mood come Friday afternoons as I know I can ignore life and sleep a little bit longer on the weekends because if I’m lucky, Tyler won’t be working and he’ll get up with the boys. But that’s only if I’m lucky and he’s not working – which isn’t typical as of late.

As I sit here writing this in the car – we’re headed home from my in-laws who were kind enough to watch the boys from Wednesday evening till tonight for us – we just got done visiting with my parents (dinner & a movie) and you’d think I’d be in a stellar mood! Had a nice night out, visited with 2 of my favorite people in the world – and my babies are in the backseat and we’re headed home…… Instead I feel like I can’t breathe and I’m being suffocated.

I don’t know how much longer my heart will be able to put up with the stress, worry, anxiety, severe depression and whatever else is wrong with me…. But I’m completely awed that it’s held out as long as it has….

I really couldn’t tell you when my depression started – I’ve been dealing with it at least since I was a teenager – so half of my life now – and there’s been phases where I’ve been on medications and phases where I haven’t been – now happens to be a time where I am on medication…. Thank God too because I probably wouldn’t get out of bed if I wasn’t.

I hope that once this is all said and done – and we’ve finished the bankruptcy, gotten rid of our debt and have begun saving and working towards a new financial beginning – that maybe, just maybe I can press reset on myself and get a fresh start too. Because something has just got to give. I am at my breaking point.

Which brings me to my point of am I enough? Am I good enough for my boys? They adore me – they light up when I walk into a room – they wrap their tiny arms around me and yell Mommy!!!! It’s one of the best feelings in the world. But I can’t help feel like I’m not good enough for them. They’re so little – how much of my depression is rubbing off on them and changing their outlook on life? Is this something that in 20 years they’ll look at me and tell me that the reason they have whatever issue they have is MY fault because of how I am acting now?

It’s a struggle to smile and fake it. I used to be very, very good at faking it. But as of late, I just am having a hard time doing that. My mind feels like it’s being pulled into 500 different directions and I’m not able to just focus on one thing – but I mean, what mom/wife/woman can EVER focus on one thing? It’s impossible and no matter how much your partner/significant other helps you – they only help with one thing at a time – what about the other 499 things?

I post a happydays thought on my personal Facebook page every night – I started that a few years ago to give myself a REASON to be happy every day – lately, the only things that make me happy are my boys. Which isn’t fair to them, because that’s a whole lot of weight on their little shoulders.

So, what is it going to take to get better? Well. I obviously have yet to figure that out. But, I guess for now I’ll keep doing what I’m doing and just taking it minute by minute and hoping that it’ll get better soon. I sure could use a break – as I’m sure many of you could as well.

Do me a favor – let me know what you do to help get out of a down mood – understand, I HAVE severe depression, and I do not mean to say that it’s something that just gets ‘better’ because it’s not – and I know that. But sometimes having some input from an outside source can do some good.

So let me know and thanks for stopping by. I appreciate it.

Kelly Ann