Boring title for a blog post, right? Well, yes, but isn’t that what we’re all doing; living one day to the next. I called this blog Living, Loving, & Exploring for several reasons. I had come up with several other names in addition to that one that I liked, and after speaking to one of my best friends, Ed, I settled on this one. He and I have worked together for years, and we talked every single day before Covid!
He calls me KP or Kelly Pistol. I didn’t get it for the longest time until one day, he explained it to me. Something about how I’m a firecracker and always one step ahead of what someone else is thinking or wanting from me. I’m a sure-shot if you will. I don’t miss my mark, and I don’t make it a big point to show off about anything. I just do me the best way I know how by living my best life.
How do I do that?
Well, it’s excruciatingly hard sometimes. I make it a point to find something, anything, every single day that makes me happy. There are times for me that the one thing that made me happy was going to sleep early. Then there are days where my boys, Tyler, and I all get out and do something – maybe we go to a park, or perhaps we drive for 3 hours just to get dinner. It all depends on the day and how we’re feeling.
Obviously, during the workweek, it’s hard to DO a whole lot of extra activities. I get up at 7, work from 730 to 4 (sometimes later depending on how busy I am), and then have to figure out dinner. Which, honestly, usually consists of something frozen that I throw in the oven. Or PBJ and banana sandwiches with chips, LOL. But we’re living – we’re enjoying this thing called life the way we know how.
Sure, I wish I had a zillion dollars so I could focus more on my kids, and playing with them, or being that PERFECT mom that somehow manages her paying 40/hr a week job, plus being the superb SAHM who does everything right and home-schools her kids all at the same time. Plus, of course, she cooks a 5-star meal every night, is the epitome of gorgeous, manages to work out, and still gets alone time with her man every night. But, alas, that’s not me. It never will be. I struggle to get out of bed in the mornings.
Depression haunts me.
There’s always something wiggling in the back of my mind. Some failure I can’t accept or get over. And people just do NOT get it. For instance, I am disgusted with myself physically. I am considerably obese. Which I am completely aware of, and I do try things to help myself, I’m currently doing intermittent fasting, and it’s been working a bit. But, results aren’t overnight. So, when people comment in any way, shape, or form about my weight, I’m immediately devastated. Do you think I WANT to be this way?
But I keep on LIVING. I get out of bed, I make it to “work,” which right now is in the other room on a computer, but I do it. I do it WITHOUT taking a leave of absence and just giving up, which I could do, but really what good would that do me? I’ll still be obese, but at least I am capable of working.
I HATE that I am not a tidier person.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not a slob; but I am utterly incapable of keeping my home clean. It certainly doesn’t help that the three other people live with me who could care less if they live in a pigsty (the hubby included). But, still, I hate that I can’t get it all done. It takes all of my energy to ensure we all have clean clothes on our backs and clean dishes to eat/drink out of! If there’s one thing I do to clean every day, it’s the laundry and the dishes. I swear they’re never-freaking-ending!
Once again, though, I keep on living. So what, my house is a total disaster, and I don’t want one person stepping foot in it? Myself included. Well, at least I have a pillow under my head at night – and many people aren’t that lucky.
I am so very depressed that it’s not funny.
I have a tough time constantly putting on a smile for everyone. There are many times that I don’t try – unless it’s for my kids. I put a smile on my face every day for those boys, and I’ll continue to do so. I may not be truly happy, but I’m glad that THEY are happy. If watching Bumblebee 18x a day makes Tristan happy, then that is precisely what we’ll do. If watching PJ Masks seasons 1-3 100 million times is what Declan wants to do, then OK, sign me up. At the end of the day, my life revolves around those little boys.
Again with the living. Living this crazy life of mine. I’m unhappy, I’m obese, I want to stay inside 24/7 and never venture out for anyone to judge me again, but I’m going to push those feelings down and admit my shortcomings. I recently talked to my doctor, and she’s upping my dosage of depression medication, though I think it’s time for me to see an actual therapist. If I could ever find the time. That’s the other thing….why is it that time flies by so very fast, but I never have enough of it in a day? There’s never enough time for everything that needs doing. I’m sure you know how that is!?
This isn’t a pity post; I didn’t write this for anyone to feel sad for me or anything. It’s an honest one. I am always trying to make people think that I’m OK or that I’m handling it when I’m probably about to fall to pieces at any given moment. I have so many things on my plate at any given moment that it’s all a big juggling act. There are times I just want to drop the multiple balls and start completely over. I have a sneaking suspicion that I am definitely NOT the only person to feel this way – it’s just that most of us don’t want to admit how we’re feeling way down deep.
But I honestly wouldn’t change this life of mine for anything. I may be depressed, and I might have a million things running through my head at any given moment (don’t all of us women?!). But at the end of the day, I have two beautiful baby boys: my heart and soul. They keep me sane (well, as sane as a 3 and 4-year-old can keep you), they keep me on my toes, and they help me see the beauty in the mundane!
A short story:
We were leaving my in-laws’ house this evening after dinner, swimming and playing, and Declan was getting into the car when he bent over the tiniest little leaf. I was rushing to get everyone in the car, and he’s just bent over – I finally said, “Declan, let’s go, buddy, what are you doing?” and he said, with all of the excitement and enthusiasm of a four-year-old, “Mom! LOOK AT THIS LEAF!” (In my head, I’m immediately like…if the leaf is on the ground, it’s dead…. but OK….) So I stop and look at this tiny, seriously itty-bitty leaf and go, “OK, buddy, what’s so special about this leaf?” He said, “Mom, it’s just so cute! Awww,” and proceeded to put his hands on his cheeks in wonderment.
So my question is this; how can I not go on living? How do I find THAT kind of beauty in everything around me? How do YOU do that? What is your secret, if you have one? I’d love for you to drop me a line or comment! I think if my kids were older and could answer this question, they’d tell me just to take it easy, go outside and play in the mud!
This isn’t the first time I’ve posted such an honest post – I did one a while back called, Am I Enough? My depression, I believe, isn’t ever going to go away. It runs in the family, and I didn’t escape that gene, unfortunately. All I can do is keep living, keep loving and keep exploring all of this craziness that life has to offer!
I hope you’ve been enjoying my posts lately – trying to stay more on top of this blog as it’s so therapeutic for me!
Love ya,
Kelly Ann
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I like the honesty of this post. I think there’s too much pressure on women in society. Do whatever it takes to deal with your depression and certainly don’t bother about what others think. Nobody knows what’s under the surface.
Thank you so much, Rachel!! I couldn’t agree more – you see things all the time about not judging someone, and you never know what’s going on behind closed doors, etc. But, it seems, that people still judge! It drives me nuts! I’m definitely all in for letting people just deal with their own dilemmas and giving them their space!