Caroline Maguire’s book of the same name, ‘Why Will No One Play With Me?’ poses a difficult question for even the most seasoned parent or grandparent. Can you imagine sitting with your child at dinner, enjoying family conversation, asking how everyone’s day went, and that being your child’s response?
Well, I sure can’t imagine that, either! However, in Ms. Maguire’s career, she’s seen that, amongst a myriad of other childhood and teenage problems! Her book has a sub-title featuring, “The Play Better Plan.” This plan helps parents dig deep to the root of their kids’ issues, and begin working together with them to solve the problems!
The Play Better Plan:
This book is broken down into four major parts, to help you determine where you might need to begin. For this review, I read the book in its’ entirety. The part that opens the steps for the play better plan is part two. One of the most substantial problems most kids face these days is the lack of social skills. Social skills are not etched into our memories from birth, so we have to help our children to acquire those skills.
That’s what the play better plan is all about. To help our kids learn and acquire the social skills they need from childhood until adulthood and beyond! I am amazed at the things I’ve learned through reading this book. Some things about myself that I wasn’t aware were even “issues.” I’m a fully functioning member of society, don’t get me wrong LOL, but I clearly could’ve used a ton of these practice sessions as I was growing!
Within the play better plan, are several questionnaires, tracking prompts, coaching lessons for you, as the parent, and more! It will help break down each issue your child may or may not have problems involving! I will personally be keeping this book on hand as each of my boys continue growing to be able to face any challenges they have socially head-on!
What to look for:
Have you ever wondered if your child has a problem? Most of us parents want to assume there’s nothing wrong with our kids. I’m absolutely on board with that – most of the time! But, when it comes to the long-term success of our kids, we may want to dig a little deeper!
Per Caroline Maguire and Teresa Barkers’ book, the following is on page 4:
“A self-protecting story for the child who is left out often sounds like this:”
I don’t care if I have school friends.
People are just jerks.
I’m fine by myself.
All they care about is stupid stuff.
Smart kids don’t have friends.
They’re mean.
I don’t have to be social if I don’t feel like it.
You’re the only one who thinks I have a problem!
These kids can range all over the board with their emotions, and they’re too angry, loud, pushy, disruptive, nervous, anxious, or awkward. Sound like anyone you know? A few of these describe me, and I’m 33! All of this information, plus explaining all of the social skills a child will need, can be found in Part 1 of the book.
Play better executive function:
The third part of “Why Will No One Play with Me,” focuses on helping your child figure out the ins/outs of the many social cues all around them. Ever notice how you can tell if someone is in the mood to chat or not? For instance, my hubby knows I want to be left alone when my nose is in a book, and if he attempts to talk to me, I typically look up, roll my eyes, and insist, “I’m READING!”
I’m sure you can think of a few instances where you’ve been around people and instantly tell they want to be left alone, right? Well, kids don’t have that skill set. That’s what part three contains! It helps them determine what that skill set is, what it consists of, and how to start utilizing it!
Part four – play better plan involving playdates!
Once you’ve been over all of the training materials and information in this book, the last part starts to encourage you to set up playdates with other kids for your child! When you see an improvement, it’s time to start implementing them in actuality!
The book gives examples and ideas as to what you could do, as the parent, to help your child overcome their greatest fear, and start to make friends! I can only imagine the pure joy on a child’s face once they’ve accomplished something this momentous for themselves! A bonus to this is that you’ll start to make other parent friends as your kid begins to make and their friends and keeps improving their social skill set!
Parting thoughts, and interview:
Just so we’re all clear, this review is nowhere near as in-depth as the actual book. There is so much information involved to read, take in, and absorb, that there’s no way to get it all out to you without you giving it a read yourself! Which I highly recommend! For any parent or caregiver out there, struggling with any issues, this is your go-to book for assistance! It is on all major booksellers’ websites! Amazon, included!
How did your family and friends react to your book? You stated you had a lot of help as you were getting it altogether, so I’m sure they were thrilled, but I’d still like to know their overall reactions?
I think it helped my family figure out why I have been so busy for so long! My family and friends came together to throw me a wonderful book launch party given by my closest friend Kendra and her husband, Darren. I think because the topic of Why Will No One Play With Me? is so important, I felt that every generation of my family came together. My mom came despite having had back surgery, and in general, I have had constant encouragement from the people in my life.
Being a therapist and working with families during this time has probably been a bit of a problem with the COVID pandemic going on. Are you still able to maintain appointments via meetings with families and their kids, or how are you making sure that the families you work with are still getting the help they need from you?
Just to clarify – I am not a therapist. I am an executive function and social skills coach, so I am working with families in conjunction with other professionals. Many of the kids and teenagers I work with needed the most help in the beginning on how to manage communication between teenagers and parents, how to navigate electronics, how to reach out socially.
But where there is a will, there is a way, and many of the introverts I work with have found being social virtually much easier. They have had tremendous gains, while in the real world, they are ghosts often uninvited to join a conversation or unable to show their true shining self. But in virtual communication, they have grown braver and are joining in, jumping in, and I am guiding them to reach out and form real friendships with kids they want to know better. Now we will translate those skills to the real world.
You mention that your children are pretty young in the accolades of the book and thank your husband for his help. How young are your kids? Are you already beginning to apply these principles of learning about social roles to them? My boys are 2 and 3 years old right now, so while I know that these social cues are definitely something to be aware of, when can I start implementing them?
I think children must have language skills to apply the principles of the book. My children are 11 and 5. And my son and I are definitely working on things from the book. Because of COVID, we have had more time, so we are always eating together and practicing looking in our eyes, answering questions and making conversations, and building emotional regulation. We use the breathing technique, and we talk about how worried he should be in certain situations. We also use a technique where we hold up pictures of things people in our family like to talk about when he monologues or tells us the same little kid story, and we ask him to “step into our shoes” and tell us what we are thinking about.
I think for toddlers, the best thing we can do is to work on sharing and emotional learning. We can ask them if we can play with their special toy and then remind them of something they desire like a treat they are getting later so we can hold it for 5 seconds. Then show them they get it back. Do this a few times a day and increase the time. Also, planning play dates and coaching them can begin now for your kids. The more we point out emotions – the more kids become aware and can name them. Saying, “I see you are angry” and then helping them to breath. Sesame Street has an amazing app called Breathe! Kids can use this!
How long, from beginning to end, did it take you to get the book together and get it published?
From the time I had the idea in 2005 to the publication in 2019, it took me 14 years to get the book on the shelves! Part of that was driven by the fact that this has been a complex book! And it took us a long time to write the proposal and work out all of the kinks we needed to ensure the book reached people. And all that time I have been on a mission. I have been working to help children develop social skills and creating content that helps parents understand what steps they need to take to help their child or teenager. Thousands of parents have used my methodology to help their children, and they have become my partners over the years. Many former clients collaborated on this project because they knew how important it is for everyone to get this information.
How long upon meeting a new potential family does it take you to get a good feel for what the issue or problem may be that’s underlying the reason they come to you for help in the first place.
I discover new information every week, but actually many people who come to me have either self-diagnosed, or parents have observed the social challenge and just don’t know how to help their child. We dig deep in the first. After a few meetings, speaking to schools and coaches, and really building trust, I often know what is going on, or I am aware that we don’t have the full story and we need to use a creative way to be a fly on the wall to figure out what is going on.
Are you able to work with people outside of where you live? What if they live very far away and can’t physically come to you?
I work with clients all over the world. I would love to see everyone in person, but I find there are so many places where parents cannot find the help they need. If there is no one to refer a client to – then I work with them virtually. That is part of my method, I train parents to carry on the work we are doing, and I give them assignments, if someone is not with me then the family become my arms and legs, and they go to the mall and conduct social spy rather than me doing this with the client.
What’s your favorite pastime?
I love to go on our boat in the summer with my kids and my husband. We play games, and we laugh, and we have little adventures.
What is your favorite quote? Why?
“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” Winston Churchill
What are you looking to accomplish in say, the next 5 years?
My goal in the next 5 years is to continue the mission to help families know how to help their children and teenagers. I want to write a book on resistance – why do teenagers and tweens and even little kids resist help, and I want to write a book for adults on how to improve their social skills.
There must be tremendous pressure constantly trying to help parents “re-train” and “re-think” what they’ve been led to believe or believed on their own for however long. What do you do at the end of a long, stressful week to relax and get your mind off of things?
I am really lucky to have a close-knit family. I admit I unwind watching old comedy favorites like Parks and Recreation and Friends. I always relax on Friday nights, whether we play games as a family or watch a Harry Potter marathon. I allow myself time to unwind. I also work out every day because that really helps me reframe events and get some perspective.
If you could give the gift of absolutely anything to someone – what would that gift be?
I would give the gift of friendship. True friendship is the greatest support, comfort, and love you can have. To have someone in your life who is there for you whether it is a spouse or a real friend, someone who knows the real you – is the greatest gift anyone can have.
Are you planning on writing any more books to help parents with their children in the future?
I am absolutely going to write more books in the future! I plan to continue to give parents the answers they need to the problems that really affect their lives.
You mention that as you were growing up, you had a pretty rough road to get where you are now. Your mom always had faith in you. What exactly did you struggle with as a child, young adult, or teenager? How did you make it through?
I struggled with social skills. I am an only child, and I was awkward. I did not spend much time with other kids, my small private school only had two other girls in my class, and they were my bullies. I did not go to summer camp, and I was generally living in a world of adults. I had no ability to connect to other kids. I am not athletic.
But I did have drama and plays. Every day after school, I was in community theater, plays at school, singing at a conservatory, and there I thrived. Having that experience gave me something to look forward to. By 7th grade, things began to change for me. I was a social spy – watching kids, listening to them. I moved to a school where I could have friends and where I could soak up pop culture. The biggest thing is that I was willing to change. I started to go away every summer, and this practice and exposure really helped.
What would you say to your younger self if you could go back? Any advice or helpful tips?
My advice to my younger self would be to have more confidence. Know you are charismatic, and that girl on the stage is the real you. And find your people and continue to evolve.
Do you and your family take any annual vacations or trips? Where’s your favorite place to travel to if you can?
I love to travel with my family. I also love planning our yearly Disney Cruise with my close friends. My daughter is a swimmer, so before COVID, we spent most weekends with close friends at swim meets. And it’s a phenomenal experience.
Additional info:
In addition to the questions and answers you (hopefully) just read, here is a link to a live TV interview that Caroline Maguire gave with KTLA5 back in October 2019. Here’s the link to that (totally worth the watch, as she gives a great breakdown of the book!)
You can also go out to her website, CarolineMaguireauithor.com and take a look around! Who knows what sort of things you’ll find! A big shout out to Barbara Teszler with TeszlerPR.com who sent me the info on this book and to Staci Burt, with Grand Central Publishing, who helped me get my interview questions to Mrs. Maguire!
To follow Caroline on her social media, go here: FB, Twitter, Pinterest, LinkedIn, & Medium.
Drop me a comment or two if you choose! I’d love to hear your thoughts on all of this! I know it’s a lot! 🙂
Love ya,
Kelly Ann
Related items of mine, if you have any interest:
A simple childrens’ book featuring children helping out, Little Hands Help.
Ninja Cat; a book regarding different choices kids have in life.
One of the books, Think Big out of a series – which ideally helps kids to think, dream and love BIG!
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